For the Girls That Lost and Found Themselves

I want love, but it seems as though love does not want me back. Love told me, “I’m not ready for you. You’re too good for me.” I have been in this predicament before where I have forced myself to listen to watered – down conversations about how nobody will be able to break my back in like he will. I allowed myself to listen to the half – assed compliments about how good my lips would look and feel around him, or how my sexuality moved him in ways past oblivion. I despised the warmness I would get between my thighs because of this foreign sense of temporary validation.

Once again, all of my favorite smells, textures, quotes, chord progressions, and tastes have been overlooked in the name of a one sided orgasm. All of my substance has gone unacknowledged, unappreciated, and forgotten in the span of a couple interactions. My vagina was the only light in the dark in his eyes, and all I wanted was a hand to hold at night. Reluctantly, I began to dumb myself down, shrinking, and suppressing those fragments that make up my being to the back of my mind because clearly, me as a whole entity is not enough. I approached love again docile, empty eyed, exhausted, and desperate. I held my hands out waiting for something tangible to touch my palms. 

Love looked at me up and down, sucked its teeth, and simply said, “I can see right through you. Hold on to your dignity.” Love told me, “One day, somebody will be sweet on your mind like the first bite of a ripe summer nectarine. Someday you will have somebody to kiss the puffiness off of their eyelids in the early morning before the sun rises. You will want to watch the sun dance over their skin.” Love told me, “ Until that day comes, wake up in the morning, and notice the stillness in your room as sunlight creeps its way through your blinds. Appreciate the shadows that appear on your wall as you stretch your limbs far and wide. Listen to your elbows and knees crackle, announcing themselves and your existence. Fill your lungs to the brim with oxygen and exhale slowly, steadily.” Love told me, “Until that day comes, learn to say ‘Good morning’ to yourself and be content with that alone. Then you will want to share yourself.”

By Alyssa Bardge

 

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