Chemical Imbalance

I am a chemical imbalance.

Serotonin,
dopamine,
estrogen,
adrenaline,
too high,
too low,
iron,
vitamin d.

I thought I had scurvy.
That would be vitamin c.

When I was 14, my pastor said,
“You don’t pray enough. He would fix you.”

But God’s not real.
Not that God.

God is a woman.

Birthing
water, 
earth,
air,
fire,
from her core.

Too beautiful to be made by a man,
too full of consequence,
too obsessed with balance,
too many flowers that look like vaginas
with the clitoris in the right spot.

No man could create a world with sun showers
or birds with fluorescent underbellies.

She made it all.
Then left.
No list of chores.
No inheritance.
No stepmother.
No babysitter.
Just a universe with endless possibilities.

She does not answer prayers.
Or dole out punishment.
She is busy
birthing other universes
maybe like ours
maybe different.

So no.
God could not fix me.
Put my pieces back with a practiced hand.
Adjust the levels of
melatonin
noradrenaline
potassium
sodium
vitamin b.

I am a chemical imbalance. 
That is who I am.

 

By Corinne Bates

From the author: 

I have been chronically ill for about 10 years now. It affects the chemistry of my body differently every day. Some days are worse than others. Some days I feel fine. Me saying that I am sick often makes people uncomfortable. They want me to stay positive, to not talk about my body in a negative way (I have a funny habit of saying my body is not a wonderland, but more of a hellscape). But I don't say these things because I think it's bad that my body is the way it is. I don't think this makes me less of a complete human being. It's just the truth. My body doesn't work like everyone else's. I'm ok with it. I've had my time to come to terms with my existence. I should be allowed to take ownership of my brokenness and poke fun at it. It's not pity. It's a coping mechanism.

Also, if god is even real, you cannot convince me that she is a man. No way. No how. I will fight this patriarchal bullshit until the day I die.